Tuesday, January 24, 2006
Here i am again.. time pass real fast and this is the second module in the second semester.. Over this period of time, many thing happen.. Some are good and others are bad but no matter what, i learn a lesson at each and every one of it..
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Currently, i'm doing projects at the workshop.. Building models and staff.. Cut my finger twice.. Bleed alot.. but somehow i don't feel the kind of pain that i should feel.. Maybe some other place hurt more than the blood my finger shed.. Somewhere deep down which no one can see.. It hurts.. Till today, it is still bleeding.. People say that time can help to heal the wound which one leaves but.. It has been so long.. And i'm stil feeling the pain.. The stab in my heart.. I tried not to think.. but how can i not?? I gave u all that i can and yet.. You just turn away.. How am i ever gonna trust you again?? Not only you but love.. I've given that up the moment u turn away from me.. I've given up hope in life.. And most of all, i've given up loving someone or shouldn i say anyone.. Time can heal the wound but it still leave a scar.. A mark that will live forever in my heart.. I'll remember that day.. So clearly.. So vivdly..
Now that new love had come and find the way into my bledding heart but.. I cannot accept.. There is no way i'm can trust love again.. I felt hurt.. I felt cheated.. I felt lost with nothing at all.. Little words means alot.. And somehow too much to actually understand what each and every sentences means.. I once ask myself whether can i start all over again.. Search within my heart and yet the answer is stil the same.. I can't.. I can never trust what others say anymore.. I can never let others hold me again.. I can never believe that miracles does happen and most of all, i can never never look into my heart and find the answer.. Each and every word i say to u come from my heart and u shattered it without even thinking.. Tears have been rolling.. Till now, i guess i'm all sucked dry.. No more tears could be shed anymore.. But i still feel the intensive pain deep down inside my broken heart.. Am i going to feel this way forever??
Dear father God, i look up to u as a saviour.. My saviour.. I pray and pour my troubles and problems as you are my father.. You are always there whenever i need u.. And now, please answer to my prayer dear father.. I am real lost and not sure what i should do.. There are so many things that are locked up inside my heart and it seems like i am going to explode soon.. There is no one else i can talk to except u.. There is no one else i can trust other than u father.. Bless upon me the knowledge of wisdom to know what to say and think of not hurting others and myself.. Of chossing the correct path and choice.. Please father.. Amen~
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School have not been great.. and it's not improving still.. Haven been going to school heavy hearted.. And not concentrating when i do my model so had a few little accident while handling the tools.. Nothing much really happen so i think i do not want to bored myself reapeating stuff in school..
There are time when i ask myself what do i really want?? What do i want to achieve in life?? What do i want to be when i grow up.. What do i this.. What do i that.. And so on.. Looking back, the answer is there for me already..
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I might be a happy person on the outside.. Always with that cheerful smile on my face.. But who knows deep down inside how i really feel.. How i hold back my tears and still try to smile so that others will not be worried for me.. I might have lots of friends.. But who is the only few who stand by me all through weal and woe?? Who is the few that i can trust?? Who are those that will not leak out my dark secret when i tell them?? Honestly i don't know.. Somtime i do envy people with very close friends.. The share everything under than sun with each other.. There are also those who betrayed their friends for their own benefits.. But at least they once had such a good friend who they can talk to and heed advices from.. What do i have?? I have nothing at all.. An empty shell i should say.. So many i want to say but no one to really turn to.. I know everyone has their own problem but i just need that someone.. Even if it's for a few minutes to be there for me.. To really understand me.. At least to let me know that i am not alone..
Everytime when i thought i found love or a true real friend, something will happen or will tell me that they are not.. They are not what they seems.. They are not what i really want.. Dear father, why do u have to be so cruel to me? U took away love from my childhood and not letting me know what is family warm.. Till now, you are still taking away things from me.. Just when i am at my peak, you threw stones at me and caused me to tumble down to the bottom of the moutain into the valley and have to start all over again.. Why?? Why are u doing this to me?? I did nothing wrong and yet.. Please stop.. Please i beg.. I really had enough.. I am going to collapse soon.. Please.. Stop taking away things that i had or should i say.. I want.. I yearned for..
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I'm sorry to have blog this up but i really feel sad at this moment and this is the only way that i can express what i am thinking as there is no one i can really talk to.. Just keep it to yourself if u have any comment about this piece as i am in no comdition to talk about it.. I apologised again if i am being rude or anything.. I just need some peace and quiet to swallow what i had jus spit out..
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Love Candy
A Never Ending Love
Wednesday, January 11, 2006
Another school day.. it has been 11 days since the new year and 9 days since the new start of school.. but nothing change!!! not a single damn thing change.. lesson is boring as usual.. or should i say getting more boring.. Sometime i really wonder why should i go to school.. or am i doing there?? teaching the teacher?? hahaz.. ask him gif me his salary..
Anyway, as i have said, it's a boring day with boring lesson.. and of cos a boring teacher who talk non stop (thought should be good??) but on the other hand, no one understands (then talk for what?? waste time..) .. so like i always tell my friends.. ask him to go home.. don't bother teaching.. or even talking.. cos i'm sure we'll do well without u.. hmz.. what's for today lesson?? saving files!!! all that i've done for the pass months.. thinking back.. woo!! i've done so many many design that now i think i can open shop to sell them..
Those few days didn't get to update my blog.. cos was busy.. either in school or at home.. oso no time to blog.. (busy with that shit monkey head work lahz..) *sigh*.. went out with me frenz a few time.. bought alot alot of clothes for new year.. hahaz.. can u imagine.. that days i just packed my cupboard and it turn out that i've cleared and give away half my dresser away.. lolx.. scary right?? too many already.. so have to gif away those i seldom wear.. then after packing went shopping.. hahaz~ gal are like that wat.. cannot wait one.. cos see my cupboard like so rather empty.. cannot tahan.. abit sad.. so bought so many.. so many new clothing.. ahh!! now cupboard full again.. (see.. mummy say cannot last long one..)
hmz.. those files so hard to save.. have to open.. then make some changes.. save again.. and then have to export file and then change to JPEG format.. it's not hard actually.. just that the process is so slow.. expecially those coloured pictures.. ahh..(hair oso white le oso haven finish.. oh no!! got spider web!!!) hahaz.. *yawn*.. so tired.. couldn't get to sleep last night.. slept about 2 plus. kept tossing and turning in bed.. *sigh*.. it has been raining whole days yesterday.. so cold!!! (was almost frozen to death).. was reading the whole days yesterday.. amazing.. i can actually use 2 days to finish my book.. hmz.. not bad.. speed of reading really increase so as the understanding..
sianz ahh.. think stop here ba.. blog again soon..
Love Candy
A Never Ending Love
Tuesday, January 03, 2006
A new year.. a new year.. and i do hope it's a new beginning.. there have been lots of ups and downs last year.. and i wish this year would be a better year for me.. especially the last few weeks of the year, it had been for what i say kinda worse.. friends giving cold shoulder.. hmz.. being assume as someone whom i am not.. gotten confused when it comes to love and stuff.. many many more.. i don't want talk abt it.. so hopefully, this year would be better or even great..
i'm here in school now writing this very piece of blog.. School is boring for all i can say.. no matter is this or last.. doing adobe photoshop again.. what more can we do?? anyway, this morning went to school with Randy.. hmz.. reach school at around 9am plus plus plus.. prepare for PE.. change and all..
PE LESSON
hmz.. ran 4 round the school.. tired sia.. almost took my breath away.. *phew*.. my legs were numb.. was panting.. sweating profusely.. oh gosh!!! but okiez lahz.. stil can make it.. ran 2.4km in abt 14+mins.. ahh~ better than my sec sch result.. hahaz.. then after that play games.. played netball with the other class.. hmz.. scored 2 goals.. and Geraline fell bcos of the puddle or water.. poor gal sia.. scratch her hands and legs.. *blood*... eee.. i hate that.. but we stil won in the end.. the score was 3 to 1.. hahaz.. *yeah*.. hope like what Randy said.. we win at the beginning so hope that we will keep winning till the end!! woo!!
TEO LESSON
what i can say is that there is no change at all.. eee.. what the heck sia.. always doing the same sickening thingy.. adobe.. hmz.. have to draw again.. my eyes hurt.. *ouch*!!! why can't be have a day of fun?? pls Zeus and Hades.. can u send him away and let fun comes in?? pls.. pity pity pls.. haiz.. don't wanna say much abt his lesson ba..
LUNCH
went to Bishan with Randy and group.. hmz.. ate western food.. not bad lahz.. but jus kinda salty.. eee.. anyway, after that we walked around.. bought 2 ooks fro popular.. sales mahz.. nowadays like to read alot.. cos nth to do mahz.. no one to talk to oso worz.. sobb sobb.. suan le lahz.. later i finish reading le write book review.. kekez..
LESSON CONTINUE
sianz ah!!! his lesson can never be fun.. never be interesting.. haiz.. draw and draw some more lorz.. what more is there to do??
SITI LESSON
3.06pm.. i'm sitting here still in the computer lab.. hmz.. jus now have been reading Narnia during my break time.. the more i read, the more it interesting the story get.. hmz.. dunno what siti want us to do for today lesson worz.. don't even know whether we finish our proposal anot.. *sigh*.. my group is always like tt de.. used to it can le.. oh.. now i see.. gotta do practical.. sianz 1/2.. hmz.. why can't we have fun fun lesson worz?? haiz.. my hands is so cold now.. fingers freezing.. ahh. cannot feeling anything at all. dun even know that i am typing or not..
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TO RANDY:
bought the book le.. read till page 217.. hmz.. don't angry lahz.. at most i wait for u lorz.. u read till there le tell me then i continue lorz.. okiez?? lolx.. hmz.. sianz.. don't read then i dun think there's anything that is worth doing.. so it's so so so so so nice worz.. so interesting.. woo.. i like.. kekez.. can't take my eyes off sia..
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There are many sad sad things that happen last year.. especially during the last few weeks.. someone totally broke my damn heart.. hmz.. why do u have to be like that?? after all that we've said abt and u say ya not sure.. what is this?? (if ya reading this.. there is something which i want to tell u..) i did gif u my heart.. but all that i get back is disappointment.. it's not bcos of what i've given u that day.. but it's the way u carry ya feelings.. i've never blame u till today.. maybe we are really not meant for each other.. all the more i guess ya not the right one for me.. all my life i've been searchng for love.. but why is it when i thought i found it, it turn out not to be.. but when i really find it, i let it slip away..
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WEI LUN:
sometime thinking back, i realise that i've really done wrong.. i've let the person who cares and love me down.. i gave up my relationship with Wei Lun a few years back.. maybe at that time i was playful.. didn't really want to get serious.. i know he treat me good.. even till now.. he has always been with me whenever i need him.. he's the person whom i talked to when i'm sad.. he is my shoulder whenever i cry.. he is always there for me.. why in the past did i let him slip pass me?? why ?? what can i say to u other than sorry..
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RYAN:
i know u've been very good to me.. but it's just that i felt very pressure.. u let me feel very tie up.. and sometime i really feel veri stress up.. not only when we are together.. even after we broke up.. i know that u've been torturing urself.. ya sis msg and email me to let me know.. but still i ignore.. cos i think i am not the right one for u.. i' sure u can find someone better..
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DARRISE:
ya the oldest guy that i have dated.. but when ya with me, u always gif way to me.. and i know it has been quite diffcult for u.. but i thank u for those wonderful times and memories that u have given me.. it's ao sweet.. even ya mum was one of my fav people.. urs was a joyful family.. i know bcos of the age difference, i don't understand u much but still u tried to let me have my way.. even when i am so demanding to not let u go clubbing.. i'm sorry for the past.. i've been stubborn.. hmz.. one thing iwanna let u know is that.. u have to trust me more.. although i am young but i know what i am doing.. and pls.. i've never like ur frenz Richard.. so next time, trust ya gf..
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DON:
u let me realise what love really is.. u let me have the feeling of really being with someone but not getting tied down.. we have been together for abt gng 2 yrs.. u let me know what jealousy really is.. i've cried upmteen times.. we do quarrel too but we always compromise in the end.. our relationship survive for so long.. but still in the end, i give it up.. maybe bcos i'm tired.. i tired of life.. of school.. and everything.. at that point of tme, i really love u.. alot.. u'ver been part of my life.. something that i does not want to live without.. but stil.. bui bu qi baobei.. wo dui bu qi ni.. wo rang ni shi wang le.. ke shi wo hai shi hen ai ni.. *sigh*
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there are so many things to say but so little time.. maybe i'll write again tml.. cos i know i'll be feeling sad and moody for the next few days or should i say week.. birhtday coming.. but no mood for that as well.. sad sad sia.. blog again soon..
Love Candy
A Never Ending Love
